Tomorrow I have what was meant to be my final PT eval. The "plan" set forth was for 13 weeks. They let me make appointments for 12 weeks worth of Tuesdays, I set it up with my sub. 3 appointments were missed, cancelled or altered by them and never made up. My schedule is just too tight for this weekday stuff and I had no options. So tomorrow I do this eval with the gal who did my intake appointment, but now I have the option (because of insurance approvals and the like) to do those few other appointments in the near future should I decide they will benefit me. I am not sure I will. I have a very full folder of excercises to do. I get to about 1/3 of them each day (doing the same ones 2-3 times thru the day, then I choose different ones the next day...sort of a rotating basis I just sorta wing it thru).
Some hurt...ALOT. Others I am more successful at and that makes me feel accomplished. That is key for me, sadly. I can say that since starting PT, I can move alot more. I can turn my head alot more. I have overall better range of motion. But I am in pain. Every. Single. Day.
I am not sure what the next part will be, but I will need to find a peace with this somehow, reclaim my body at some point, somehow. The willpower is just totally gone. I expend all of my energy working thru my pain. The future just might not be what I had hoped it would be. But I, of all people, know that can change in a breath. I will look to a positive outcome in some way!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
How to be successful?
Why, for me, does it seem so difficult? I have such good intentions, I have great resources, the gym is 3 miles away, I have a few handweights here at home and now some resistance bands (from my Physical Therapist). I know what my body can and should eat to be healthy and lose weight. But I can't seem to make it all work together in a sustained manner.
Add injury to this that I just seem to be learning to cope with the pain from and learning to have more range of motion with. There seems to be no end in sight with this. Surgery may be offered, but honestly, financially I can not afford the recovery time. It would mean several months off work, no income for me and would be the equivalent of starting my daycare over with new clients after 3 months off. Rock...hard place. In the meantime I am continuing the non-surgical (and non medication as well) options as best I can. I am told I can not lift weights yet, and the only cardio I can do is the treadmill, and only for about 10-15 minutes (swinging my arm hurts and causes inflamation inside where my neck injury is, which will hinder my progress, cause more pain, and back into the crazy version of the cycle I lvke each day)
I wonder what the difference with the diet part might be if I was left just to my own devices? If I could take an extended break from being responsible for the families dinners? While I enjoy sitting down with my family most nights so we connect a little, most times I am not hungry, yet I eat. I do not enjoy cooking. I could eat WAY more simple foods than they would like to have. And mentally, I feel like my lack of cooking skills and desire to "get it right" just dissapoints them. I am sure its internal, but its how I feel. So maybe if that pressure was off me and no longer my responsibility to feed them (I would shop from a list they make, no issues there), but if I made my own meals and ate when I wanted according to when I am hungry, then just sat with them and chatted at dinner time, would that work better for me? I sure wouldn't mind trying it for a few weeks to see.
Just more random thoughts......
Add injury to this that I just seem to be learning to cope with the pain from and learning to have more range of motion with. There seems to be no end in sight with this. Surgery may be offered, but honestly, financially I can not afford the recovery time. It would mean several months off work, no income for me and would be the equivalent of starting my daycare over with new clients after 3 months off. Rock...hard place. In the meantime I am continuing the non-surgical (and non medication as well) options as best I can. I am told I can not lift weights yet, and the only cardio I can do is the treadmill, and only for about 10-15 minutes (swinging my arm hurts and causes inflamation inside where my neck injury is, which will hinder my progress, cause more pain, and back into the crazy version of the cycle I lvke each day)
I wonder what the difference with the diet part might be if I was left just to my own devices? If I could take an extended break from being responsible for the families dinners? While I enjoy sitting down with my family most nights so we connect a little, most times I am not hungry, yet I eat. I do not enjoy cooking. I could eat WAY more simple foods than they would like to have. And mentally, I feel like my lack of cooking skills and desire to "get it right" just dissapoints them. I am sure its internal, but its how I feel. So maybe if that pressure was off me and no longer my responsibility to feed them (I would shop from a list they make, no issues there), but if I made my own meals and ate when I wanted according to when I am hungry, then just sat with them and chatted at dinner time, would that work better for me? I sure wouldn't mind trying it for a few weeks to see.
Just more random thoughts......
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Another day, another post.....
What an unhealthy month I have had! I finally go in and get meds for the snotty, coughing cold crud (sinus infection, touch of pneumonia, terrible cough), leave with a neb treatment and 3 prescriptions. A few days after the antibiotics my sinus stuff finally was feeling better but this cough, holy buckets its an evil thing! Its several weeks later and I still cough and it hurts.
Then last weekend I got the tummy bug thats going around. Enter the fever, aches (miserable things!) and the north and south tummy issues! So I spent Saturday, Sunday and had to close Monday for that. Lost 7 pounds since I literally ate NO food for 3 whole days. By Sunday night I finally ate some soup and a few crackers. Its now Thursday and I still can not eat "normal". But I am feeling better, so thats good! At my PT the other day, she said shes certain I have bruising on my ribs (up high behind my breast), which explains the pain I am still in with the coughing I am still doing. Ugh. But it IS improving.
My FIL is having knee replacement surgery today. I plan to make him a sweet treat to ahve when he gets home Sunday. He loves his sweet breads and desserts! I found a cinnamon swirl banana bread recipe I thought I could try, then maybe some bars or a cake? Pinterest is great for these ideas!
I have alot of dinner ideas from there too, altho not all the healthiest. But I think I have decided something in that regard. I still want to be able to eat a fairly normal meal with my family each night. Soon enough Shelby is probably going to be gone to college in another state and I will miss the few nights a week we eat together. I am not going to spend it eating a completely seperate meal I am stressing over and having a hard time finding the time to make in addition to a meal for the two of them. There will be lots of good veggies, and salads with low cal dressing and home made vinagrettes (my fave anyways). Right now my goals just can not be as big as I want because my body can not manage them with this dumb injury. My PT says I am doing fantastic. I am in pain all the time, but refuse the drug therapy they wanted and am just living with the pain I guess. I do all my excercises, and need to do more, I know. Being sick has made it all hard.
But I am on the mend, I can breathe without totally hacking away and I feel stronger. Time to slowly get the weight I want off. But really, now, I want to feel good and stay healthy. The rest will come with it becasue I want it and I will be working on it.
Then last weekend I got the tummy bug thats going around. Enter the fever, aches (miserable things!) and the north and south tummy issues! So I spent Saturday, Sunday and had to close Monday for that. Lost 7 pounds since I literally ate NO food for 3 whole days. By Sunday night I finally ate some soup and a few crackers. Its now Thursday and I still can not eat "normal". But I am feeling better, so thats good! At my PT the other day, she said shes certain I have bruising on my ribs (up high behind my breast), which explains the pain I am still in with the coughing I am still doing. Ugh. But it IS improving.
My FIL is having knee replacement surgery today. I plan to make him a sweet treat to ahve when he gets home Sunday. He loves his sweet breads and desserts! I found a cinnamon swirl banana bread recipe I thought I could try, then maybe some bars or a cake? Pinterest is great for these ideas!
I have alot of dinner ideas from there too, altho not all the healthiest. But I think I have decided something in that regard. I still want to be able to eat a fairly normal meal with my family each night. Soon enough Shelby is probably going to be gone to college in another state and I will miss the few nights a week we eat together. I am not going to spend it eating a completely seperate meal I am stressing over and having a hard time finding the time to make in addition to a meal for the two of them. There will be lots of good veggies, and salads with low cal dressing and home made vinagrettes (my fave anyways). Right now my goals just can not be as big as I want because my body can not manage them with this dumb injury. My PT says I am doing fantastic. I am in pain all the time, but refuse the drug therapy they wanted and am just living with the pain I guess. I do all my excercises, and need to do more, I know. Being sick has made it all hard.
But I am on the mend, I can breathe without totally hacking away and I feel stronger. Time to slowly get the weight I want off. But really, now, I want to feel good and stay healthy. The rest will come with it becasue I want it and I will be working on it.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Germs, germs....
I have been sick all week with a horrid cold. Fever, snot, cough cough cough. I ended up closing Thursday. Then poor Shelby had the pukies Wednesday and needed Thursday to still recover. UGH!
But I have been eating really quite well and am anxious to see what the scale says. I am NOT anxious to attempt my simple treadmill walking again, however. Just one day of that, then PT the next day caused me so much pain. It was a set back of many many weeks of pain for my injury and I am very worried about creating more internal swelling (which will lead to more steroid injections which are costly, a bit painful, time consuming and I am not sure how many in total can be done.) My PT gal said I likely overdid it with an initial 25 minutes and thinks I should do 3 X week for 10-15 minutes, then if I feel up to more, to do the bike for another 10-15 and hold my arm steady. Now if I can just breathe without hacking, I will attempt that. Hopefully by Monday.
I just sooo want to feel good, feel healthy and gain back some physical confidence in myself. It is more in the tanker than its ever, ever been. It can only get better, I think?
But I have been eating really quite well and am anxious to see what the scale says. I am NOT anxious to attempt my simple treadmill walking again, however. Just one day of that, then PT the next day caused me so much pain. It was a set back of many many weeks of pain for my injury and I am very worried about creating more internal swelling (which will lead to more steroid injections which are costly, a bit painful, time consuming and I am not sure how many in total can be done.) My PT gal said I likely overdid it with an initial 25 minutes and thinks I should do 3 X week for 10-15 minutes, then if I feel up to more, to do the bike for another 10-15 and hold my arm steady. Now if I can just breathe without hacking, I will attempt that. Hopefully by Monday.
I just sooo want to feel good, feel healthy and gain back some physical confidence in myself. It is more in the tanker than its ever, ever been. It can only get better, I think?
Monday, January 2, 2012
Starting over~
I deleted a few years worth of blog posts in an attempt to really start fresh. I sort of suck at this blogging and starting fresh thing, but REALLY want to make it work. I don't give a hoot if anyone actually reads it, but for me, I need the words, the writing of randomness as part of my own process.
So if you do read this, here we go yet again.
Last week I started Physical Therapy for my neck injury. I was given the OK and the encouragement to attemp very light cardio at the health club. The main purpose is to get my left arm "swinging" as you normally do when you walk at any pace. With this injury, I am in a non-stop "guarded" stance, holding my left arm against my body. It hurt for so long, so very badly, to do otherwise. It still does, but I have come a long way in the 4 months since I was initially hurt. I want to avoid surgery!
Now I need to "open up" my stance, stretch the arm, shoulder and back that is affected. This means pain. Ugh. I also want to drop the 15 pounds I have gained in 4 months of almost complete inactivity. No carrying laundry baskets or grocery bags. No vacuuming or cleaning. Almost NONE of the normal activities a person does until just a few short weeks ago (after injection #3). It was all I could do to work my job, then collapse. My diet went out of control (I own up to that...MY fault), and I lost all the ground I had gained from working out.
I was just so angry and upset. I had committed to being up at 4:40am, at the club at 5am, 5 days a week. I was IN it! I was counting calories and making changes for weeks before we started at the club. Even Shelby had lost almost 15 pounds just watching what she ate! We were almost 2 months into the club deal. I was finally off my plateau and starting to drop pounds, not just sizing (ever so slowly tho), and I get hurt. AT THE DAMN CLUB! Doing it all the right way, with my hubby as my guide. The man who has worked out regularly for 25 years .My left hand now has 1/3 the strength of my right (they did a test). It was not fair!
So I was at the club at 5:15 am today and did 25 minutes at a walking pace (3.0) on the treadmill. My scar foot tolerated it well. I tried really hard to let my arm swing. That was difficult, and painful. I have, so far, eaten healthy today (oatmeal and clementine for breakfast, no snacking).
I have high hopes...yet again.
So if you do read this, here we go yet again.
Last week I started Physical Therapy for my neck injury. I was given the OK and the encouragement to attemp very light cardio at the health club. The main purpose is to get my left arm "swinging" as you normally do when you walk at any pace. With this injury, I am in a non-stop "guarded" stance, holding my left arm against my body. It hurt for so long, so very badly, to do otherwise. It still does, but I have come a long way in the 4 months since I was initially hurt. I want to avoid surgery!
Now I need to "open up" my stance, stretch the arm, shoulder and back that is affected. This means pain. Ugh. I also want to drop the 15 pounds I have gained in 4 months of almost complete inactivity. No carrying laundry baskets or grocery bags. No vacuuming or cleaning. Almost NONE of the normal activities a person does until just a few short weeks ago (after injection #3). It was all I could do to work my job, then collapse. My diet went out of control (I own up to that...MY fault), and I lost all the ground I had gained from working out.
I was just so angry and upset. I had committed to being up at 4:40am, at the club at 5am, 5 days a week. I was IN it! I was counting calories and making changes for weeks before we started at the club. Even Shelby had lost almost 15 pounds just watching what she ate! We were almost 2 months into the club deal. I was finally off my plateau and starting to drop pounds, not just sizing (ever so slowly tho), and I get hurt. AT THE DAMN CLUB! Doing it all the right way, with my hubby as my guide. The man who has worked out regularly for 25 years .My left hand now has 1/3 the strength of my right (they did a test). It was not fair!
So I was at the club at 5:15 am today and did 25 minutes at a walking pace (3.0) on the treadmill. My scar foot tolerated it well. I tried really hard to let my arm swing. That was difficult, and painful. I have, so far, eaten healthy today (oatmeal and clementine for breakfast, no snacking).
I have high hopes...yet again.
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